When a Bender Becomes More of a Lifestyle…

Accomplice: “The U.S. government’s Dietary Guidelines for Americans defines moderate drinking as no more than one drink per day for women and no more than two drinks per day for men. Women are considered heavy drinkers if they drink more than three drinks on any day or more than seven drinks per week. Men are heavy drinkers if they drink more than four drinks on any day or more than 14 per week.”

Accomplice:  3 drinks a day? but that’s my standard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thinking:  I told you this and then called you an alcoholic

Thinking:  You told me I was wrong

Thinking: …

Accomplice:  Thinking, I was living in denial, okay?

Accomplice:  So if 3 drinks per day is considered “heavy drinking” – what is 2.5 bottles of wine split between 2 girls within 4hrs considered?

Thinking:  Suicide attempt

Thinking:  what do you think I’ve been trying to do here?

Accomplice:  But we didn’t leave notes!!!!

Accomplice:  Who’s going to take all my jewelry and electronics?

Thinking:  Accomplice, they will find the pictures on your phone and they will know. No one needs a note.

Leave a comment

Filed under Becoming A Grown Up, GChat Confessions

Putting the Death in “Until Death Do Us Part”

Pa. woman accused of killing fiance on wedding day

Thinking: “I didn’t mean to do it on purpose.” ???? I mean, didn’t she know he was dead? I am so confused. I’m pretty sure a knife stabbing to the chest results in some sort of fatality. Wonderful.
Accomplice: Listen, when a woman stabs her fiance on their wedding day, I really don’t need to know what happened – I’m siding with the bride, every time. Whatever that man did, it was bad enough for her to stab him and risk getting blood on her white dress.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

So, how was your Tuesday night?

A three part GChat recap of my latest bad decision…..for which I regret nothing.

I. Booty

Accomplice: Last night, I fell in love with a penis….that happens to be attached to a man that wears jorts…..
Accomplice
: I just had some of the BEST sex of my life with a man that dresses like he’s at the Daytona 500. This has to be some sort of cruel joke. God is such a bitch.
Booty
:  1) I love that the words “jorts” and “penis” and “love” were all used in the same thought
Booty
:  2) you are destined for matching be-dazzled jean jackets
Accomplice
: mine will probably be a be-dazzled pictorial of Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s face
Booty
: <3

II. B

B:  Tuesday night first date sex with a jorts wearing bartender?
B
:  Your life is amazing
Accomplice
:  Or a trainwreck
B:
  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong with mine, but you’re obviously doing something right.
Accomplice: 
I should really do seminars on how to live your best life
B
Semenars?
B: Sorry – couldn’t help myself
Accomplice
:  YES
Accomplice
:  “The jorts ARE within your reach.”

III. Velvet

Velvet:  I have this picture in my head of your future mullet babies running around your trailer park.
Accomplice
: I assume that I am also preggo and shot-gunning natty light in this picture…
Velvet:  BINGO

Leave a comment

Filed under Dating, GChat Confessions

OMG What is this fantastic-ness?!?!

OMG What is this fantiastic-ness?!?!

The most adorable, snuggly, ‘No Means No’ campaign ad ever

Leave a comment

by | April 2, 2012 · 10:40 pm

Every week needs an adorable animal story

 

Shown here: Bengal tigers? or something that resembles Accomplice's last sexual encounter?

Accomplice: TIGERS!!!!! http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2012/03/tiger-cub-photos/

Indecisive:  I want a tiger.
Accomplice:  Me too, badly. Right now.
Indecisive:  Yes, to ride to work.
Accomplice:  Parallel parking that thing would be a breeze.
Indecisive:  So would walking around Kensington at midnight.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under GChat Confessions

Rapid Fire Roundtable: Drinking Buddies

5 people you’d like to accompany you on a bar crawl. Must be alive, so animals and vegetables only — no minerals. Ready, GO!

Accomplice:

1. R. Kelly “R & B Singer slash crazy person.” Urinates on teenage girls, hosts musical cruises – I don’t understand why this man wouldn’t make everyone’s list.

If Carlos also decides to tag along, I will institute a mandatory no shirt policy.

2. Bill Clinton – Because he is my most favorite president and let’s face it, we all know Bill likes to party. Here he is slammin’ some beers with the U.S. Men’s Soccer Team during the World Cup, so he’s clearly properly prepared. (The delicious man you see standing next to him is Captain Carlos Bocanegra. I will dedicate a future post to U.S. men’s soccer for you so you all can become better acquainted!) Hell, Hilary can come too, I’ve seen the way she takes down shots of Henne..

3. James Carville – While on a Democratic political figure kick, I’ll take Slick Willie’s lead campaign strategist as well. Bald, Cajun, likes to yell…..perfect.

4. Aaron Rodgers – I’m sure you saw at least ONE sports figure coming. Rodgers seems like he’d be pretty cool to have some beers with. Also, ‘The Belt’ totally makes a great post shot dance. I actually once had dream that I hung out with Aaron and Brian Schottenheimer at a Cracker Barrel. Don’t ask, I really can’t begin to explain.

5. The Entire Cast of 30 Rock – Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Tracey Morgan….you can’t really expect me to pick just one of them. So I’m taking the whole cast, sort of a packaged deal kinda thing. Plus, James already is BFF’s with all the 30 Rockers so it’s perfect!!!

Thinking:

1. Accomplice- because she is my accomplice. Does that really need further explanation? She lets me into port-o-potty’s with her when I see an ex during a bar crawl. She gets me an eye-patch and goes with me to the ER when I refuse anything is wrong. She always has a sharpie and says things like, “Of course we were a hit at that bar. Girls that look like us don’t go to places like that.” I believe she would have my back in a fight. She is amazing at running interference.

As for my other 4 picks…I am about to list men that I find appealing..

2. Carlos Ruiz- Because I want someone on the bar crawl I have a difficult time understanding, but whom I find endearing. I am confident that he would think my absurd ideas are fun and encourage irrational behavior, but also provide solid piggy-backs when I can no longer walk. He might buy a few rounds too. I believe he would have my back in a fight.

Thanks Thinking, for giving us a reason to post a pic of Eric Northman!

3. Alexander Skarsgard- Because I will be unable to lose him in a crowd. Because there should always be someone on your bar crawl that you want to sex. It makes the whole thing more of a game/challenge/awkward drunk moments. I would not “shade” from the crawl if he was on it. He might buy a few rounds. He may deter fights, avoiding people needing to have my back.

4. George Stephanopoulos- I find him adorable. I think his commentary would entertain me. There would be someone else on my plane of vision. He could talk to Carville and Clinton and relive their glory days. Maybe we could get a book deal from this experience.

5. Jon Snow- Not the actor. I actually want the Jon Snow character in the HBO series, season 1. Why? Because he is loyal, has something to prove, a virgin and would bring a direwolf. Why are these things necessary? Loyalty is key on a bar crawl when shit starts to go down. People that have something to prove get serious about drinking, fun, and adventure. People that are hot and virgins confuse/excite me and pose a challenge on a crawl. It’s a direwolf. If I can get Jon to love me on a bar crawl, maybe the direwolf will too and then I can have a cuddly, ferocious wolf-thing. update: and if Snow turns out to be gay, well, sad for me, but you always need a gay man on a bar crawl too?

Indecisive:

1. A Zombie- Not technically living BUT they could eat all the really annoying people in crowed bars and the door guy at Johnny Brenda’s when he tells us ‘the show is sold out.’

I don't think there is anyone more prepared for a bar crawl than THIS woman. She will kick your ass in beer pong and flash you at the same time. This woman defines winning.

2. Betty White- She’s old, she’s funny as hell and has a mouth like a sailor (and probably a hoover without those teeth). We’d reach VIP status for sure because who doesn’t want to party with that Golden Girl? I would also enjoy seeing if any of our male friends would get drunk enough to sleep with her.

3. George R.R. Martin- First of all, he looks like a character straight out of Moby Dick or The Old Man and the Sea so obviously he enjoys drinking. Secondly, I could light a fire under his ass to get off the internet blogging about the Jets and get to work on the 6th book so fans don’t have to wait another 6 years to find out what happens. Or worse, finish the books before he kicks the bucket.

4. Jenny Lewis and Jonathan Rice- They are the cutest and most talented indie couple ever. I could simultaneously seduce both of them and have them serenade me while Jenny recites lines from Troop Beverly Hills. They would then realize that clearly I belong on tour with them and we’d all move to Austin and eat granola.

5. My cats in a stroller- Great conversation piece…

Is this not the face of someone who wants to get their drink on!?!

Leave a comment

Filed under Rapid Fire Roundtable

The People Of Twitter Make My Day – Part 2

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized